A Better Day

Holy Water has been my blog since Nov 2004. It has been were I turned to write things that I didn't necessarily think I could talk about or should talk about out loud. It has at times been my saving grace. It helped me open up about things that I kept repressed for so many years. It helped me get through my divorce. It helped me through some of the darkest days and happiest days of my life. It made me laugh and I hope that it made my blog friends laugh.

I have loved this blog and all of my writing. It is a representation of my life's struggles, heartache's, joy, and my hope for a better and brighter future.

I am sad to have this be my last post in Holy Water. It is the end to a 3 year journey of discovery. I found out who I am, what I want, where I want to be and how I plan on getting there.

To those who followed my life.....like Jules and KelBel.....I think you two may be the only blogger still out there.....I have started a new blog for the new journeys of my life. Drop me a comment or an email and I will give you the new address.

I am looking forward to this new blog.....

I lift my glass to Holy Water.

MJ

Him

Dear Brian,

You hurt me.

MJ

Hard time

I am having a hard time lately. Things are going well in my relationship with MG. Since my last post he has filed for divorce. I have just recently been able to spend any time with his son, although under the watchful eye of his "ex". The problem is is that we have to follow her rules. I am still not allowed to see MG on the weekends that he has his son. The unspoken "you are not welcome here this weekend" is starting to affect my spirit.

I just wish this would all end. Not my relationship but the nonsense that goes along with it. The stupid games that must be played. It is like a chess board. Which move is to be made next without losing the game. It is so touch and go. We take 2 steps back for every three steps forward.

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea if MG wants this relationship to go into the future or if this is just his way to get through this time in his life. He says that he loves me and I believe him but he never talks about our future and if he even wants one with me.

I am just very exhausted not being able to be a part of his life. It is pick and choose right now and I don't seem to know if I am coming or going. It pretty much depends on what his ex has to say about it. I have welcomed him into all parts of my life and I just want the same in return.

Maybe in time but until then I struggle with staying positive in this very difficult situation.

MJ

More pain than ever

I, Michelle L. Jones, am not good enough for Brian J. Gillis.

It is excruciating pain. I hurt more than I can put into words. I ache to know I wasn't enough for someone else. He doesn't love me. He doesn't love. God, he doesn't love me.

MJ

The love factor

Well MG and I are still together. We have been through, ugh, about 5 break ups in the last month because the emotions in our relationship our so close to both of us and it is incredibly difficult for us both. I am falling in love, well, I have fallen in love with him but I feel myself all of the sudden building walls. You see we had this whole love affair going on while he was married and I can't help but think why wouldn't he do this to me. He says that his wife had no idea it was going on. Could I be that naive? Would he do it to me? He must have loved at one time like he loves me or he wouldn't have married her. How do I know? I guess that in reality I don't. I either trust that he loves me like no other and wouldn't hurt me or I think that he will in which case why would I stay in this relationship. He is acting uncharacteristic lately. He doesn't think that he is but he seems more withdrawn the last couple of days than normal. I don't know what to take of it. I met his older kids the other night and he seems to be different since then. I don't know why. I am just scared to really open up to him in fear that he will rip my heart from my body and stomp on it. I just can't let that happen. I also can't live wondering if every step he takes or every phone call he gets if he is talking (i.e. falling in love with someone else). See this is why you shouldn't fall in love with married men while they are married. Then you feel like you can't trust them even if maybe you could under normal circumstances.

Ugh.
MJ

Almost one month later

Its has been one month since my last post and we are still having problems. Actually I ended it for the last time today. I can do this no longer. I feel completely fooled into loving him. I feel like he played me like a fucking fiddle. He choose her. And not in the sense that you are thinking. He left her. He has no intention of going back. He bought a house and is fixing it up for "us", well him now but he choose to stand by her instead of me. Our battle this week is over the fact that she is using the boy against him. He told her that he loved me, wanted to move in with me and one day marry me. She used the boy against him. I am not aloud to be near the boy. This crushes me. ALOT. I feel like I am a great mom and this insults me. To think that I don't have his best interest at heart. No, he is not my son. I know that but he is a child and I would NEVER want him to be harmed. I have already met him and have spent time with him and now because SHE SAYS so I can no longer see him. He is allowing this. I can't stand it. I don't understand why he doesn't just tell her that we are going to be a family and I am sorry that you don't like that but Max is my son and I expect visitation with him. If you don't like that then I will see an attorney first thing Monday morning. Trust me, she will let him see him. She is trying to control him by using his son. She has him so twisted around her finger and he doesn't even see it. I am a bitch, though for showing him otherwise. She talks bad about me and he allows it. Let me tell you this. I thought he was just like my dad. I am so proud of my dad everyday that I meet assholes like this. My dad has been through alot. He is on his fourth marriage ( I know, not a good track record) but my GOD, he would not let anyone talk about the love of his life in front of him. No wonder he is thinking things about me, she is constantly telling him what a horrible person I am. His marriage ended way before I ever came along. All I did was love him. I am not trying to play innocent in this. I knew he was married. I knew. I got involved anyways and for that I am wrong. But to hurt him or his son crushes me. I hate this. I have hurt him horribly. I told him to stay out of my life. I have to do it this way. I can't allow him back into my heart. It hurts so bad. He has hurt me so bad by choosing to let her demands lead our lives. He says he won't allow it for long but no time is right. It's over. To touch him, I touch a picture. I feel him in it. It hangs on my fridge and I stand there crying over it and rubbing his face like I love to do. I have memorized his face in my heart. I am crushed. Heartbroken. I do not have the one I want. I do not have the one who is so like me and makes me feel like I am not alone in my thinking. I do not have him. She does. Not physically but she controls him with guilt. I will eventually move on but I am in no rush to do so. I feel like it will take days, weeks and maybe even months to overcome this grief. I have lost him. My heart feels like it is ceasing to beat. He runs through my blood, his life. I ache for him. I can not eat for my appetite is gone. The tears do not stop running down my face. I pray that God will help me through this pain. I pray that one day someone will love me. I pray that one day I will be worth it to someone. I pray that some will take me and make me theirs. I pray that he will put our relationship above no other. I pray that I will one day be part of a family again. I pray that someone will appreciate me.

I am crushed. The wounds are fresh and they ache and sting. The pain as real as I am sitting here. My love is 45 minutes away sitting crushed. We hurt each other and we mask it as love. This isn't love. This is torture. I must for myself, my sanity, my heart now walk away.

MJ

Scattered

I have so much on my mind yet I have been sitting here for 5 minutes staring at this keyboard. What letter to hit first? What word to type first? What thought to process first? Oh, my God my mind is overwhelmed with things right now. I hate it when I get like this. How do I stop? How do I quiet thoughts that appear out of no where? How do I stop the thoughts from pouring out into my conscious? God, how do I get it to stop? I can't even seem to type. Ahhh.. Just some fucking piece in quiet in my head would be great. MG doesn't understand me when I get this. How the hell could I expect him too? I don't get me when I am like this. What is it? It is just thoughts that turn into what ifs that turn in total anxiety. Maybe it is almost like I am having an anxiety attack but I don't think that I am. It is just I start feeling so insecure and I wonder if I really have found someone that I could stay with forever. Why I feel like I have to have someone for forever is really beyond me. Why the fuck I consume my thoughts with the future instead of right now is beyond my fucking thinking. I mean can't I just say that I have found someone who I love spending my time with right now and that is absolutely amazing. What is the deal with the whole happily ever fucking after? Why does it even exist? Stupid kids movies that make you believe that you have to have this prince charming and he has to love you forever and it will be complete and total bliss. Oh my God, it is sickening. Just sickening, yet, I have bought into it. Why? and when it isn't perfect, which for crying out loud, it is perfect, well for the most part, my head just starts doubting that it is meant to be.

I have a headache.

MJ

Not Worried

I am not worried. Not worried about anything. I may wonder about things and wonder what used to be and what will be but I would not in any way shape or form say that I am worried about my relationship with MG. Things are going well. The "front row" at work now knows about us. They are not thrilled, understandably, with the situation but for God sakes it is what it is. It isn't going to change. One of my not work there but it isn't going to change our relationship. Hopefully it won't come down to that. I have so much more to blog about when it comes to work and the relationships and the people that mine and MG relationship is going effect. A certain girl in particular will probably freak out. I will blog about it soon because it needs to be told. Anyways.
I am going to go now because MG just got home.

I will blog later.
MJ